Figured it was about time we chatted about dating in this wild world, right? I have never opened up exactly about my full dating history, but BOY have I been through it. From being cheated on the day before prom with a guy who ended up sleeping with my friend, to finding out a boyfriend was using my self tanner to define is abs for nude pictures to send to women on an app. I mean my favorite was maybe the guy who was ten years older and is now a trainer in the NFL. He told me if I didn't want to get married in the next few months and have kids within a year he didn't know what we were doing. We had been dating for a month at that point and I was 18, fresh out of high school and had barely an idea how to take care of myself, let alone a baby in a year. My response was should I leave before or after dinner. LOL. He is actually still single and has no kids since we broke up five years ago in case anyone was curious.
I have many more insane experiences I will 100% open up about later when I continue this series, but I figured let's start the conversation about being single and happy. Knowing your worth and NOT settling. As a society, I feel like we put so much pressure in finding "the one", we don’t always enjoy the process of getting there. I wanted to share some things I have done in order to not settle, enjoy the moment, and change my outlook.
These are 5 lies we tell ourselves dating. I have told myself these and now found out WHY they are in fact not true.
1. I need someone to be happy.
Your outlook is everything. There was a point in time I depended on a guys for my happiness and it took a lot of failed relationships to realize that being happy was my job. Your happiness by yourself is SO important. So set boundaries with yourself. You need to be okay without a partner before you jump into having one. Notice when you are lonely and why that maybe ? Notice patterns you want to break with yourself. Have a life outside of whoever you are dating. These are all so important before you jump into something to fill a void you may feel like you have. You DO NOT need anyone to be happy. I laugh about this now because I wish I could have hugged the girl 5 years ago who cried in her dorm room over guys who in the grand scheme of things were meaningless. She needed to go through those things to see she would be 100% okay on her own.
2. Sex doesn't change things :
Chances are you have a vagina if you are reading this. If you have a penis. Fabulous. This also pertains to YOU! Sex and dating go hand and hand. So many sexual puns I could make here , BUT I will resist. Set boundaries with yourself regarding sex. Use protection because people LIE about being tested. Discuss sex right off the bat with someone. Talk about if you even both want to have a relationship or grow into something serious. Sex should be a topic that is NOT scary, but changes your relationship completely after it happens. Discuss what you are okay with and not okay with. If you want to wait to have it or if your going to just go for it. Sex is a choice. You and your partner get to CHOOSE what is best for you at that point in time. Before I have sex with a new person I require us to talk about:
#1 if I was to get pregnant would the person be comfortable with whatever I decided regarding the child. That I would get to make the call and that they verbally agree to that before we move forward.
#2 If the person has been tested recently or has ever had STDS. A lot of people lie about this. I have never had anything, BUT have so many friends who have contracted something.
#3 What their expectations are for the relationship so that we have clear communication. Friends with benefits ? One night stand ? Heading into something committed ? It's all fun and games until a guy shows up drunk at your door at 3 am wondering what you guys "are".
These are ALL so important to discuss and can be hard. I remember the first guy who stopped our makeout session which was clearly headed to having sex and asked me all of these questions. I respected him and what we had THAT much more. Being assertive is sexy people! Every single guy I have had this conversation with has told me that it is attractive that I set boundaries and have confidence. If someone doesn't respect that you want to talk about ALL of this. Kick that MF to the curb.
3. He or I won't catch feelings :
Recently, and I am talking a handful of weeks ago, I had a friends with benefits situation happening. We are both consenting adults. I set boundaries with this person. We talked about ALL the steps I just talked about. I had checked all my boxes. I knew this person I would not be in a relationship with long term romantically, but enjoyed the sex and his company. I was up front and honest and we talked about what that would look like. That should not be done while under the influence of alcohol. Made this mistake before and it's weird how people’s answers change two bottles of rosè deep. LOL After about a month something changed in the guy and I could tell he was starting to get feelings. So I checked in to see where his head was at and he assured me things were fine. I knew he wasn't being honest after he had an "I love you" moment, which he said was alcohol induced. When that happened I ended it. I knew that it wasn't right to continue something and hurt the other party in the fun buddy situation. Sometimes it just DOESN'T work out. No matter how many rules you set. People are full of emotions and you need to know when to cut something off when you aren't feeling it. When I ended things he was beyond upset because he had got feelings and I knew I did the right thing no matter how hard that conversation was. I always think when ending something how I would want to be talked to and how I would want someone to handle my heart. Be respectful. Be honest. Be upfront.
4. Karma Isn't Real:
Remember the guy I said cheated on me the night before prom? I ended up taking a guy who was way older than me and we had a blast. The guy who cheated on me - let's call him Nick (fake name, real guy). Well Nick never went to prom. I heard through the grape-vine that he cheated on that girl before prom night with her sister. Something tells me that would be an entertaining Thanksgiving dinner table to be around. Way to keep it in the family buddy!
Everything has a way of working itself out. Karma is fucking real. I believe it. I have seen it. So let whoever broke your heart, cheated on you, or lead you on.. GO. That also works for you. You should not lead others on, cheat on them, or the karma wrath will be coming for you. That karma wrath is a bitch.
5. It's okay for my partner to walk on me.
You are too damn strong. To smart. Too beautiful to take shit from someone. Especially someone in a romantic relationship. So this comes from knowing your worth. If you are dating someone and you notice red flag after red flag it's time to leave. I always think of the meme where the guy is down on one knee and handing the girl red flags instead of Rose's. You don't deserve to be walked on.
The guy I dated who stole my self tanner and posted nude pictures of himself on an app? Let's call him Dick, seems fitting for this. Lol Dick walked over the top of me. I was his personal door mat because I let it happen. I didn't start to gain my voice until the end of relationship and it was up until I finally realized my Sophomore year of college I needed more than this. Dick was a total and complete narcissist who worked out for hours everyday. He was a bodybuilder so appearance was a huge thing to him. He would tell me things like I "needed to workout more" or "I shouldn't be eating that" because I was "gaining so much weight" and I would look so much better if I lost “ a few pounds". Those comments he made me feel like complete crap. I would ignore them or say how I was happy with how I looked. At first these comments wouldn't bother me and then they started to get in my head.
I remember the night I was livid my self tanner was missing. Like WTF I just bought this and I had zero money. I didn't have a job and had sold clothes at Runway exchange, which was a local thrift store to stock up on tanner. What can I say? Girl LOVES her tanner. I was noticing how tan my boyfriend was at the time and it was dead the middle of December. Blondie over here didn't put two and two together. LOL One night I have an allergic reaction and my phone was broken so I was going to use Dicks phone to call my mom. His phone was acting funny so I restarted it. In came flooding messages from all of these girls with nude pictures and videos from this app. This app was literally like masterbating videos you could send to one another and like privately message people you wanted to see more from. In the background of his nude profile picture was my tanner. The mother fucker was using my expensive ass tanner and jerking off to girls named Cheryl and Ingrid. Good news I was so pissed the allergic reaction didn't even phase me anymore. KCM was on the move to go kick some ass. He was having sex with ALL of these girls at our gym who would always give me dirty looks and messaging a TA in my class. I called my friend at 3 am and packed up my stuff. She came and got me. Never saw Dick ever again and never got my tanner back.
In all seriousness, in relationships a partner should never put you down. Being in a relationship is supposed to bring out the best version of yourself and by growing together. If and when someone treats you like shit, take notice. The issue is NOT with you. It is with THEM. Many times in relationships people project. They project issues that are deep rooted and they are embarrassed to talk about. The difference is noticing when it's time to fight for the relationship and when it's time to leave.
I hope this post maybe made you laugh or gave you something to pull into your future dating life! I hope you know how special you are. How worthy you are of love. And most importantly how self worth all starts with YOU. You will find someone maybe tomorrow, maybe in a month or year that will make all of those cringe worthy moments worth it. This is your story. Some people are pages and others are chapters, if they are lucky they end up making it through the full book. The key is here, that YOU get to write it.
If you liked the dating chronicles let me know on my latest Instagram post!
As for what I am looking for now, what I look for in a committed relationship, all the terrible dating stories, and even ones that DON'T make me look great. Those are all to come. It’s important for me to be open with you guys. Be honest and share as much unfiltered information as I can with you on a platform. Love is out there. It is amazing when you find that person you get excited to see and lose track of time with. That person is waiting for you OR better yet you may have already met them.