So we are chatting today about open relationships. A topic that many of you were SUPER interested in and wanted some answers that were from everyday people, AKA not a Cosmo article. Two couples messaged me when I posted about the open relationship portion (Slide right in those DM’s) and then the third person contacted me through email on my bio. I naturally I stalked all the couples and their partners to make sure it was a real relationships (LOL okay I was just being nosey). Couple number two actually has a podcast chatting about everything under the sun and that is called Queen City Poly! The other couples chose to keep their identity secret, which is totally fine with us. This is something completely new for the blog and I am not experienced in this topic (In case you were wondering), which is why we chatted with three couples to give us all the info! Take it away couples 1,2, and 3!
Couple 1: Female from Oregon talking about her fiance
Couple 2: Male talking about his relationship with his wife.
Couple 3: Male talking about his relationship with his wife.
1. How long have you been with your partner and was this the first person you have dipped your toes into the open relationship relm with?
I was with my partner a total of 2 years. He was the first person I've done an open relationship with. My fiance now is open to a threesome down the road, and possibly an open relationship. I'm not trying to convince him or anything, we just talk about anything and everything so the subject came up at one point.
Couple 2: It'll be two years on July 1, 2018 that I have been with my current partner. Yes, this was my first experience with an open relationship.
Couple 3: We have been open for about 5 years now. I was in a previous relationship with someone before this and we had a similar arrangement. That did not last long because it was the first time either one of us had done something like that. Now my current wife and myself have more experience and we know what to expect.
2. Who came up with the idea to either introduce a new partner to the bedroom or be completely open? Tell us about what your first reactions were.
Couple 1: My partner was the first to suggest. We were doing long distance back and forth and he said he really wanted the option, that'd it'd be fun and keep the relationship interesting. I bent over backwards a lot for that relationship. So regardless of my hesitations, I agreed. I only wanted him to be happy which isn't a good mindset to have.
Couple 2: We both found each other because we considered ourselves to be polyamorous. She was more experienced than me since she was currently in a relationship when we met.
Couple 3: My wife had never experimented with this idea before getting together. I was with the old girlfriend when we got together so she knew that from the beginning it would be like this. I was very forthcoming about what I wanted and introducing someone else into the bedroom was the first step to get her more comfortable with the idea. It took us a very long time to be able to get to the place we are now. Her immediate reaction was no way in hell, but the more we talked about it she warmed up to the idea.
3. Who out of you guys dove in first ? Was it at first a threesome or just straight to being open ?
Couple 1: It was straight to being open, and he initiated it. We never did a threesome.
Couple 2: It was open from the beginning. Although threesomes are really dope!
Couple 3:We first had a few different exchanges with different couples. A major issue is finding people you can trust because people can be extremely judgemental. There are many couples and people that are open and not many people realize how common it is! We have had a fair mix of girls come into the mix, but it does not happen very often unless my wife asks for it. It took about a year of major mess ups for us to get on the same playing field.
4. I know a lot of times these situations start out with a lot of rules and then transition to having less structure. Tell us about how this changed the relationship dynamic.
Couple 1: We did start out with a few rules, like we kept who we messed around with anonymous, but talking about the physical acts were ok. Monthly STD testings were mandatory, so we did that together. He's a bit of an asshole, so after a while he did start to compare me to the girls he was with.
Couple 2: We don't live by rules. We love by respecting each other. Our only boundary is that we communicate our feelings to each other and that if we don't use protection then we have to let the other partner know immediately.
Couple 3: When we first started dating before we got married there were a lot of rules. But in the end we wanted honesty and that's what we came for. We wanted to meet other people and have those experiences that made us fulfilled individually. Now looking back we had limited time or jealousy got in the way because it is only human. We are so much closer as a couple because we can share those wants and desires even if that means they aren't with each other. In relationships people hold so much back and by being open we have the ability to communicate so much more freely.
5. Do you feel closer to your partner as a result of having an open relationship? I have heard a lot about how having multiple partners really brings a new level of excitement to your love life.
Couple 1: At first it was really exciting. It's pretty taboo to not be monogamous so we felt like we had a secret to our relationship. We would talk about what we were up to lately on a date which would ignite a lot of spiciness. So it did bring us closer at first.
Couple 2: I feel extremely close to her. Freedom is love, so the fact that I can have a relationship like this is amazing. I couldn't see it any other way. Having multiple partners is really exciting because you get to meet so many different people. It's been so much fun.
Couple 3:Our sex life has never been better. It is crazy how much more stimulated you are when you have multiple connections with people. Our communication is so much stronger as a result and we have zero secrets. Whatever we want is open and on the table. You do feel a lot more excitement sexually and also emotionally. We have many highs and lows just like any married couple. The difference is we have zero boundaries, which is life altering.
6. Are you close with your partners significant other if they currently have one? Or in the past have you tried to be friends with them? How did this work out ?
Couple 1: We kept who we were with anonymous.
Couple 2: I'm cool with her ex and I haven't met her current partner, but he sounds like a amazing guy.
Couple 3: When we first started I wanted to know everything about the person, background checks, stalking Facebook's, and it is easy to get jealous. When I had my first open relationship I was really young and through maturity/time you see if this person is important to your significant other they should be important to you. My wife is currently very good friends with the woman I am seeing. It took a lot of weird encounters for everyone to get fully comfortable with one another. Now I could not imagine them not having a relationship. That would create tension in both relationships.
7. If you had to do this situation over again would you ? What would you change or keep the same?
Couple 1: I would totally do another open relationship. I definitely wasn't ready for one with my ex, and when it came down to it, he wanted an excuse to cheat and I was really insecure. But according to him it was ok because I was "involved every step of the way," but I never had any feelings towards who I was with like he did. If I were to do it over, I'd only get involved with another person for the physical aspect. I'd come to an agreement with my current partner and take all their needs, desires, and terms into consideration and we'd talk about it every step of the way.
Couple 2: Yes. I would do it all over again. I wouldn't change anything because it made me the person I am today.
Couple 3: I would have 100% had an open relationship if I had to start over. The main issue is that in my first relationship before my wife I wish we would have focused on the positives instead of the negatives. There is clearly downsides. You have less time with your main partner, but when you do have that time you are so much more present. That time matters so much more.
8. For someone who wants to introduce to their partner how would you suggest going about it? What advice would you give them ?
Couple 1: . For someone wanting to discuss this with their partner, be prepared for some hesitation and don't manipulate them! In an open relationship you have to be on the same page, being willing to compromise, and have open communication or it gets messy. For example, I had a friend who was unofficially dating a guy, and he suggested they do open relationship when she was hoping they'd make themselves officially official. So she agreed that they sleep with other people if the occasion arises, and she held out for a while hoping that he would change his mind and choose her. But he didn't. So being clear in the beginning about expectations, needs, and rules are important! Create a list of rules/terms that you both agree with and make it work for your relationship because there really isn't a right way to do this.
Couple 2: I would say they should try to introduce it by having honest conversations. If you can't talk about this with your partner, my suggestion is that it's a red flag. You have to be transparent in your relationships in order for them to grow and mature.
Couple 3: I would have them sit down with their partner and just say it's something you have been thinking about. That it might be a turn on for you to think with them with someone else. You can take baby steps. Do not set a ton of boundaries, but I would not suggest bringing in people in your very close circle to this relationship. There is Tinder and other websites you can go to find people. People might find out and you need to be prepared for that. There will be a very uncomfortable stage that you have to get over. Bringing in another person to the bedroom is a great start and also seeking couples counseling to make sure you have a good foundation is a great idea.