5 WAYS TO CUPCAKE YOUR SOULMATE IN 2020 & WRITING A BOOK
Hi my cute friends! So chances are you are reading this because you are single? Girl me too. Stories to come, but for now let’s introduce Heidi Busche! We actually met over Instagram. CRAZY RIGHT? Well if we are being honest almost all of my friendships have started over social media. She is a speaker, author, and relationship expert. I can feel 2020 is going to be amazing and I know some of you need some tips in the dating department. *raises both hands*. Tired of friends with benefits? Tired of dating shitheads? Well tune in to our girl Heidi who turned her whole life in a different direction and wants to help the single sisters out!
After striking out with guy after guy, I got sick and tired of doing the same old thing. I realized that I was ready to have a relationship. BUT the only tools in my toolkit were swiping left and right (not great for finding long term love). I needed to do something different in order to find something different. I found a mentor who helped me do the work that I've outlined in this book, and I found that my entire attitude, approach, and perception around love and intimacy were transformed. When I finished up, I realized that so many women might also benefit from this work, so I decided to write a book on it! I wanted to be Relationship Ready and I want you to be, too. So grab a notebook and a pen and let's get to work! I'm a Ph.D. Dropout! After completing my M.S. in Political Science, I completed my coursework and exams in pursuit of my doctoral degree in the same field. But something wasn't right. This work wasn't in alignment with my highest calling. So, I pivoted, big time. After a few sales jobs and a gig as a crime analyst(!), I discovered coaching was my passion. I left that cubicle life in October of 2018 to turn my full attention to my business, Heidi B Coaching. In 2019 I self-published my first book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped Fucking Randos and Started Cupckaing my Soulmate. I'm a speaker, author, and full-time cheerleader (coach).
CAREER AS AN AUTHOR:
I'm that girl that changed majors so many times as an undergraduate that it took me 5 years to finish school and even then, I had to go to an advisor and say like, "look I have all these credits, what do I need to take to cobble together some kind of degree!" I did always know that I wanted to write a book, but I didn't realize that I had to live a little life before I'd have something to write about!
The last "relationship" I was in was the one that prepared me to do this work. Let’s call a spade a spade, I was screwing a guy who was in a relationship with another woman. For weeks, he and I would get together and just fuck. No movies, no dinner, not even much chit-chat. Just the pure, unadulterated (yes, I can see the irony) fantasy of walking in the door and getting down to it. Eventually, he split up with his girl, but we continued our trysts, which I affectionately thought of as highly efficient. Finally, one day he said, "I don't think I can objectify you like this. Can we go to dinner or something?" and I replied, "Well, that would be dating." He said, "But, Heidi, I can't date you. I don’t want to date you.” He was incredulous, disgusted, annoyed. And it was awful, because I had always assumed that, someday after the dust settled with his ex, he would want to date me.
In that moment I was heartbroken. Because I realized that I had been lying to myself. That fucking randos was no longer authentic to me. I wanted something more, but the only tool I had was the ability to swipe left or right and that, alone, was not conducive to selecting an available partner. I was lucky enough to know a woman who had done some work around men and relationships. She guided me through the work that I’ve outlined here. When I finished the work I was doing with her (I’m a particularly stubborn case and it took me 11 months), I’d completely transformed my perspective on available men and healthy partnership. I realized that other women would need this work, that other women’s lives could be changed by it, and so, I decided to write this book.
WRITING THE BOOK:
I started writing this book about 5 years after the experience above. I really felt called to do this writing so I wasn't scared, but I was overwhelmed. Like where do I start? How many chapters? How long does it have to be? etc. I got some really great advice about self-published books, which was that I should aim to have a book that was 45,000 words. One I had that benchmark, it was easier to break it down, so it was like, "ok 45k words is 15 chapters of 3k words each and it doesn't have to be perfect or exactly that, it just needs to be in the ballpark."
There were certain chapters that were more difficult to write than others, particularly because it had been so long since I had really thought about those experiences. For example, I write about some really painful stuff that happened when I was in my late teens and early 20s and it was like, I was surprised about how revisiting/remembering those experiences still affected me.
But truly, the hardest part about writing a book is just doing the writing. Finding the discipline to sit down and put words on the "paper". Finding the willingness to create a draft that's done, and not perfect.
OMG - like all my shit is on blast in this book, so I feel like there's nothing left that people don't know about me! I mean, now, people even know that I moved to Denver once because a guy offered to make me breakfast (I've always loved breakfast foods!).
I guess one thing that people don't know about me is that I am a trained classical singer, I love singing classical music and I even auditioned to be a member of the Portland Opera Chorus.
BEST DATING ADVICE
The best advice I've ever received is a tie
(1) The simplest form of the truth - DON'T OVER EXPLAIN IT! Find the simplest form of the truth (your truth) and say it with as few words as possible!
(2) Sometimes the best relationship we can have with someone is no relationship at all - This one gave me so much freedom. I feel like there is this cultural construct of like, "look at me all my relationships are so good, I'm on great terms with my mom and family, I'm STILL great friends with my ex..." and on and on. But, this gave me permission to walk away form toxic relationships and I needed that!
I feel like I have so many mentors. I have a group of really amazing women that I run around with. One of them is the woman that took me through this work so many years ago. Her name is Marisa LaFata and she runs a healing business . The work she does is really powerful. I count myself lucky to be a student of Rosie Acosta's. And I have two business coaches who I just adore, Karey Northington and Ciara Pressler.
HOW TO START WRITING A BOOK:
I always knew that I wanted to write a book. But, I never knew what I would write about. As I got older and I had more life experience some of the pieces started to fall into place for me, but I still didn't have a really clear vision. But, by 2018, I realized that Amazon makes self-publishing really accessible. It literally is as easy as (1) write your manuscript in word, (2) decide what size you want your book to be (3) download a template of that size from amazon kpd (4) copy and paste your book into the template (5) spell check and (6) go.
So at that stage, I knew I had something that I wanted to say -- I wanted to tell the story about how my perspective on men and relationships was completely transformed. And I knew that I'd be able to publish it on my own. That I wouldn't have to endure the painful process of writing it, sending it to agents, and getting a zillion rejection letters. So I just decided to do it. I hired a coach to help me stay accountable, I outlined about 12 chapters (plus an intro) and was like, "ok that's close to 15 chapters". I found my step-daughter's old Chromebook (which she wasn't using), I opened it up and I started writing my book in google docs (because it was free -- I actually didn't purchase Microsoft Word until I'd completed the book and was having a template compatibility issue). I wrote in fits and starts. I am not someone who was disciplined enough to write every day. But I made time to go to cafes and write. I went to Denver (where I have family) and wrote there (after everyone was asleep). And, eventually, I had a draft! The rest of its a pretty boring process, but I will say it was such a sweet day to have a book launch party on October 1st 2019. It was a day that I'd been dreaming for, for a really long time!
5 TIPS FOR DATING IN 2020 :
1. Know what you're looking for - especially if you've decided you're done dating and want an LTR! I tell every woman I work with, that she needs an ideals list.
An ideals list is basically a wish-list that you create of the values that you're perfect partner will have. For example, is financially secure and has financial freedom, is outdoorsy, likes fine dining, has a good relationship with their family, etc. You NEED to make this list before you start dating and you SHOULD use it as a benchmark to see where the person you're dating (and potentially getting into an LTR with) checks these boxes.
2. Be Ruthless
Time is your most valuable asset. And, especially if you're done dating and want to be in a relationship, you don't have time to be wasting on a guy whose profile you need to squint and stare at sideways because, "I mean, from this angle he's kinda cute..." If you don't want to jump his bones from the profile, pass.
3. Become the picker
Forget guys that are messaging you. Move into the mindset that you are the baddest bitch in the room. You're the selector, you do the picking! With that in mind, treat dating profiles like you do shoes at Nordstrom, don't mess with any shoes that you don't love! Go ahead and send that first message, because it's time to go after what you want!
4. Hold off on getting physical
Ok, this one isn't very popular, but I can't tell you how many women I work with that are like, "OMG, this guy is only here for the hookup." I like to think of dates as opportunities to gather information about a potential partner, assess the information I've got, and make a decision about our compatibility. Each date gives the opportunity to reassess. I'm better at assessing and reassessing our compatibility when I'm not getting physical with the guy right off the bat (and when I've got that ideals list from #1). Maybe this means you make out a little bit on these first dates but don't head to the bone-zone, maybe it means no kissing at all. What's good for each person is different, but think about what's right for you and stick to that boundary.
5. Have fun
This is kind of a cop-out for #5, but it's worth remembering. All of this is supposed to be fun, so enjoy the music, dinner, drinks, dancing, coffee, strolls, breakfasts, art galleries, all of it!